Group Therapy
by M. Elizabeth Ravensblood
Summary: Jack and the VCTF work out their differences in group therapy. This is a slightly skewed one shot that popped into my head last night.


Author's Note: This is meant to be funny and in no way to be taken seriously. This is Jack's worst nightmare, so to any John Grant fans, it's not meant disrespectfully towards your favorite character, merely his minor abuse in this tale serves to torture my favorite character.

This is a one shot that is after Las Brisas, Reunion never occurred, Jack and Samantha have had several years of unholy matrimony.

As always review are great and I now have a live journal where I have some coming attractions.

Group Therapy

Jack hesitated in the doorway until Samantha came up and threw her arms around him and gave him a hug.

"Jack! Come on in. We're all friends here," Sam smiled at him and drug him over to a chair beside her.

Voluntary physical contact from his Samantha, maybe group therapy wouldn't be so awful after all. Then he changed his mind as John and George started to squabble over the seat next to him. George won out, but John Grant took the opportunity to stand behind Jack and massage his shoulders. A shudder of revulsion shot through Jack, but he tried to maintain a pleasant expression. Last week the VCTF made a plea on the news for Jack to come join them in therapy that with love and understanding they could work through their differences. He'd imagined it was a trap and had spied for the week on the building, when it appeared not to be trap after all he decided to stop by and get a glimpse at his beloved.

Donald Lucas walked into the room and spoke, "People please find your seats, leave your anger at the door and let's open up our hearts and minds."

Jack looked longingly at the door and wondered if he could make a run for it, Lucas in charge of therapy, thanks, but no thanks. Samantha gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and he settled back in his seat. John stopped pawing him and sat directly across from him. With a bang the door swung open and Bailey and Grace came rushing in followed by Sharon Lesher. As they took their seats, Jack started to feel even more uncomfortable.

"All right, last week we talked about some of our feelings. Does anyone have a feeling they'd like to share?" Donald prompted.

"Ooo ooo, I do," George raised his hand. "I feel really excited that Jack is here."

"That's wonderful George, I think we're all excited to have Jack join our little group," Lucas replied. "Did you have any other feelings you wanted to share? Maybe some of the ones you expressed last week in our session?"

George looked at Jack and said, "Jack, I feel sad sometimes because I think that you're a better hacker then I am-"

Sam reached across Jack's lap and squeezed George's hand, "Just let it out George."

George started to tear up like a beauty pageant contestant. "I also really admire you and sometimes it's really hard because I know you love Sam, but I have such strong feelings for you."

Jack stared in horror. What the HELL had he gotten into?!? Was this the fucking twilight zone? His hand twitched with the desire to reach for his knife. Samantha looked at him with a sincere smile and so he forced himself to mutter, "I'm sure that was hard for you to say. God knows it was hard to listen to. I love Sam and I'm someday you'll find Mr. er- Right."

John jumped up, waving his arms wildly until Lucas gave him permission to speak. "I have something to say. Jack, sometimes when you send roses to Samantha I feel hurt. I mean couldn't you ever send flowers for the rest of us? Even just the lame carnations people send as consolation prizes?"

"Wouldn't that be giving you false hope?" Bailey asked, looking to Donald for approval.

Grant, dug a piece of paper out of his pocket and announced, "I wrote a song fic about my feelings."

There was a groan throughout the room and Jack growled, "Kill me now!"

"Now people, I know John Grant tends to favor us frequently with song fics, but we should give him our attention and let him read. John, go ahead," Lucas encouraged and then amended, "Unless it's another of your fantasies about Jack forcing himself on you, we've all agreed those have to stop."

John looked slightly downcast having his favorite topic continually denied him, but he held his paper up and began to recite dramatically, "Buy me a rose. Call me from work. Open a door for me. What would it-"

At that, Jack screamed and ran for the door. Desperately he tugged on it but it wouldn't open. So he ran back to his seat got on his knees in front of it and began to bang his head repeatedly on the chair. John Grant and George both sighed wistfully as they studied Jack's firm backside. Jack got back in his chair and grabbed Samantha and shook her slightly.

"Isn't there any way out of here? Samantha I'm going to go insane if I don't get out of here!" Jack pleaded.

"Nobody leaves until the session is over," Lucas interjected.

Jack turned and gave him a killing glance and declared, "You're my damn creation, I brainwashed you, that means you do what I tell you to! You second rate Lecter clone!"

"Outside of this room, yes. In here this is group therapy and we stay here until we've had 50 minutes of sharing and harmony," Donald replied. "Now who else would like to share? The ladies have been quiet so far. Sam? Grace?"

"I have something to say," Sharon uttered.

"Now there's a concept," Jack sneered.

"It's about Jack and me. About our sex life-"

At that Jack whipped his knife out and started trying to slit his wrists, but the knife didn't leave so much as a mark. Then he tried stabbing himself to no avail. Looking heavenward he shouted, "Do you really hate me this much?"

Sharon ignored him and continued. "Ok, the thing is Jack never wants to make eye contact during sex. It's always, me on all fours or if I'm on top facing away from him. It's like he doesn't want to be with me, I feel like he's pretending I'm someone else."

"That's because I am pretending you're someone else, you mindless half-wit!"

"Ooo is it me?!?" John asked excitedly.

"Now John, we've talked about this before," Lucas admonished. "Jack has feelings for Sam, not you."

"It's always Sam this and Sam that!" Agent Grant sulked petulantly.

"Excuse me," Grace interrupted. "But I want to know what we're going to do about my problem from last week."

"As soon as Sharon finishes," Donald soothed.

"Anyway as I was saying. Jack I feel like you're inconsiderate and if you don't change I'm leaving you!" Sharon informed him.

Jack just shook his head, "All right, jokes over. I get it, I've died and I'm in hell. Could we please just move on to the eternal fire and torment because it has to be an improvement over this!"

"Jack, this is group therapy, not hell. We're here to nurture our emotions. Now I believe it's Grace's turn unless it's that you called out Bailey or Jack while in bed with Morgan," Donald Lucas said cheerfully.

At that Grace began to sulk, her comments falling under the no Bailey or Jack names in bed with Morgan. George was beaming at Jack and kept reaching into his pants pockets to 'adjust' himself. Sharon was pouting and had started shredding John's song fic and was throwing spitballs at Sam. John Grant started sobbing on Bailey's shoulder over his lost paper and Jack's cold heartedness. Samantha smiled and Jack and occasionally leered at Sharon.

"John, stop crying," Bailey told him.

"That's it!" Agent Grant gave him a watery smile. "I can use 'Don't Cry Out Loud' for my next song fic for Jack!"

"John! It's official, you aren't allowed to write any more song fics," Bailey declared.

"How come? Where did you here that from?" John whined.

"If I told you I'd have to kill you," his boss quipped.

"Christ, Malone! Can't you think of something new to say," Jack complained.

Ignoring Jack's remarks, Lucas reinforced the song fic ban then continued, "Sam? We haven't heard from you yet."

Jack looked at his Samantha with the first real interest he'd had in entire session. Finally, he thought, at least she's articulate. Throughout the meeting he'd try to stab himself again and again with his knife to no avail. As he watched Samantha he got out a cigarette and started to light it. The cigarette wouldn't light, the lighter made a flame, Jack held the lighter over and tried lighting George's shirt on fire. Nothing happened except that George began to flutter his eyes lashes at Jack. Gotta be hell, Jack decided for the 50th time since entering the room.

"Jack, I really like you and think we could have something special, but you have to give up smoking, cheetos, blue lights, roses, killing, computers, $1200 suits, and Sharon, " Sam smiled sweetly and finished with, "And I want to redo your entire place in shades of pink with Laura Ashley prints."

Swallowing hard, Jack answered reluctantly, "Ok."

At that Donald Lucas leapt up and shouted, "Breakthrough! Group hug time people!"

Sharon, Donald and the VCTF surrounded Jack and pulled him to his feet. All of them began to hug him and congratulate him. Giving up everything he was for the woman he loved was one thing, group hugs were another!

"NOOOOOOOoooo!!!" Jack screamed with all his heart.

"Jack. JACK!" Samantha shouted and shook her sleeping husband.

Shaken from his sleep, Jack sat up startled and looked around. Blue light and candles illuminated the room, roses perfumed the air and his beloved wife of two years sat in bed beside him with Sheriff Ed's hat perched on her head. Trembling Jack reached for a cigarette and lit it, he nearly cried with joy at the cherry ember as it smoldered.

"Jack darling, whatever is the matter?" Samantha asked, concern marring her face. "You were yelling and thrashing about. Talk to me."

He pressed a fervent kiss against his wife's forehead and drew her close to him as he explained. "It most awful dream. Group therapy with Donald Lucas and Sharon and the VCTF. You wanted to change everything about me."

"Sharon and Lucas are long dead and we finished off the last of the VCTF last month, remember?"

"I kept trying to kill myself and it didn't work no matter what I tried," Jack proceeded to tell her. He hadn't felt so shaken up in ages.

"Well I'm glad it didn't work," Samantha laughed. Her expression changed slightly and she inquired, "What did you tell me when I asked you to change?"

"I agreed of course. I need you Samantha, I would wither and die without you."

"Glad to hear it, but I'm pretty partial to you as is," she sighed against his chest and stole a puff of his cigarette and let her hand sneak underneath the blanket.

Jack began to nuzzle his wife's throat and the slight taste of lime and salt that lingered made him think.

"Samantha?"

"Hhmm?"

"We can either do body shots of tequila or I can wear the Sheriff's uniform, but not both in the same night."

Samantha smiled at her husband and began to kiss down his chest to his stomach. She pulled the covers back and smiled up at him wickedly, "But I love a dirty and intoxicated Sheriff Ed."

Looking down at the Sheriff's hat moving in his lap, Jack felt his resolve weaken.

Suddenly Samantha stopped and raised her head and grinned as she suggested, "How about vodka Jell-O shots instead?"

Jack leaned back and groaned.


End file.
